Jo Beverley - [Malloren] Read online

  “What do you need now?” he asked.

  And she suddenly knew, though she wasn’t sure she should ask. “I want you to tie me to the bed.”

  “What?”

  His shocked pallor made her say, “No. That’s silly. I don’t need—”

  “You want to reenact it? Why?”

  All she could give was honesty. “The worst thing was being helpless. Completely helpless. I’d rather have been fighting even if he hurt me, even if he hurt me badly. I want to relive that fear and conquer it. But I see it’s too much. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  He sat on the bed and looked at her. “You’ll be the death of me,” he said, but a hint of humor, a touch of color, told her that perhaps this was all right. She’d given him something to do, something difficult, and that was what he needed.

  “You’re sure?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Don’t run away,” he said dryly, and went into the next room.

  She heard tearing sounds, and he returned with four strips of embroidered black velvet.

  “What are they from?” she asked, wide-eyed, but she thought she recognized the exquisite black velvet coat he’d worn to the Queen’s House two nights before. Which he’d worn to the ball in Arradale an eon ago.

  “If we are to do this,” he said, “let us do it with a degree of elegance.” As he tied one strip loosely around her right ankle, he said, “Will it spoil the experiment if I promise to stop whenever you ask me to?”

  Diana had to think about that. “Yes, I think it would. It wouldn’t be at all frightening then.”

  He tied the other end of the cloth to a bedpost. “I don’t want this to be frightening.”

  “Nor do I, but it has to be.” With one leg tethered, her nerves flinched as if they held a memory of earlier terrors.

  He tied the other ankle, face set and cool.

  “I don’t want to hurt you, Bey,” she said helplessly. “You asked what you could do.”

  “I think I had in mind a foot massage.” But a little lightness stirred as he looked at her. “It’s all right. I’m just nervous about what you might want me to do once you’re fixed in place.” He looked at the bed head. “I’ll have to tie your hands to the corner posts. There’s nowhere in the middle.”

  She stretched her arms out. “I’m supposed to feel like the victim, not you.” But then she twisted to look up to where he was tying her right hand. “I’m forcing you, aren’t I? Isn’t that a bit like rape?”

  “Don’t overdramatize this. However, I am not making love to you like this. That would be rape, and of me, not you.”

  She followed him with her eyes and he walked around to tie her other hand. “I won’t. I wouldn’t. I just need to feel this, and deal with it.”

  He tied the last knot and sat on the bed again. “What are you feeling?”

  “Panic,” she said, looking up at the satin canopy, where before there’d been cobwebby beams. “It’s silly because I know you won’t hurt me, but it’s beating there like a drum.” She turned her eyes to him. “I’m even afraid that you’ll go away and leave me like this.”

  “Diana, this is pointless. You aren’t fighting an unreasonable fear. You are helpless. If I was a villain, you’d be right to be afraid.”

  “But not to show it. Would you show fear in this situation?”

  “No,” he said and placed a hand on her abdomen.

  She jerked, instinctively trying to reach down to control his hand. “Don’t.”

  “I believe you set the rules,” he said, circling his hand there over the soft, fine cotton.

  She wanted to cry stop. She knew that if she really demanded it, he would, but she worked instead at controlling panic, and at not showing fear.

  He slid his hand up, between her breasts, to rest at the side of her throat. “Your pulse still races.”

  “No one can control their pulse.”

  “It is possible, but very hard. Control your breathing instead. That, anyone can do.”

  He put his hand back on her abdomen. “Push my hand up and down with your breaths.”

  She focused on that, and slowly the panic eased.

  Her whole body relaxed into his hand, comfortingly warm and strong against her.

  “I’m rather comfortable now,” she murmured, and still breathing against his hand she let her eyes drift shut so she could sink into a peaceful warmth that was completely new to her.

  Then his hand left her. She opened heavy eyes to see him cutting her velvet tethers. As she brought her arms down to her side, she explored a sense of wholeness and completion that was inextricably connected to him, to her feelings for him, and his for her.

  It was if they created something between them which was impossible apart. If she’d fought before, it had been with half her heart. Now she felt invincible.

  She had to be.

  “That foot massage?” she murmured.

  His eyes met hers, smiling slightly. “We are in harmony at last.”

  He left, but returned with a small vial, and sat on the bed by her feet. He poured oil onto his hands, and the rich scent of sandalwood crept over her. She was floating even before he took one of her feet and began the magic.

  No stockings this time, just his strong, skilled hands on her.

  “It’s wonderful. It seems to relax my whole body.”

  He smiled slightly, but didn’t speak.

  “I want to be able to do this for you. Is it possible?” she asked, deliberately asking about more than the moment.

  “My will is shattered,” he said, beginning on the other foot with a touch that told her that she could ask anything of him now and he was powerless to refuse.

  It wasn’t right though. It was because of what had happened tonight. Because of her danger, and his failure to protect. Perhaps it was also because he had sacrificed the healing power of bloodshed.

  For her.

  She couldn’t accept an offering of guilt.

  “That isn’t good enough,” she said.

  “I know.”

  She lay silent as he worked magic on her feet, wondering where they went from here. His lids guarded his eyes but she knew he was, as he had said, shattered. She could do anything with him now, demand anything.

  The last thing he needed, however, was more guilt.

  What she wanted was his acceptance of his right to love.

  “It is possible,” she said, but she knew words weren’t enough, not for him. He was a man who had to be engaged mind, body, emotions, and soul. And the mind—the brilliant analytical mind—still held firm.

  He made no response, just put more oil on his hands, and continued to manipulate her feet.

  She watched him, wondering at the journey that had brought them here, fretting at the controlled calm of his classic features. He needed her, she knew, but she wasn’t sure what the need was, or how she should fulfill it.

  She knew what she needed.

  When his hands began to slide away she sat up and captured them. “It’s still safe.”

  “It’s never completely safe.” His lids rose, and she saw dark, guarded eyes, but she saw the shattering too.

  Dear Lord, what should she do?

  “It’s as safe as before,” she said, moving closer. “Stay in me this time.”

  He wasn’t resisting, but his hands were passive in hers. “I am yours to command in all things.”

  If she claimed to need his love to wipe out Lord Randolph, he would comply. But he did not want it. She thought for a moment of demanding it anyway, because he’d come to like it—

  Hades. She sounded just like Lord Randolph!

  She let go of him. “I simply hunger, Bey. Tell me it’s right for us to go through eternity alone.”

  He moved back and stood. “You are a devilishly ruthless woman.”

  “Ironhand.” With a prayer to her ancestors, she straightened and took off the shirt. “You mustn’t do anything you don’t want to,” she said, eyes on his. “Remem
ber that.”

  Then she slid off the bed and undressed him.

  She unfastened the long line of buttons down his silk waistcoat, and pushed it off. Then she undid his cravat, unfastened his collar and cuffs, pulled his shirt out of his breeches, then up over his head. His simple acceptance of what she was doing might have daunted her if she’d allowed herself to be daunted. He could stop her with a word, she reminded herself. Surely it wasn’t wrong to do what he wanted, but couldn’t quite bring himself to do.

  When his chest was bare she gave it one quick kiss, then pushed him to sit on the bed. She knelt to remove his shoes and stockings. Scruples won then, however, and she looked up at him with exasperation. “Are you just going to sit there?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “It’s as if I’m raping you!”

  “Perhaps you are.”

  She stood. “Don’t say that.”

  “If we have not honesty, we have nothing.” He stood, however, and removed his remaining garments, revealing physical interest, at least.

  “Is it just the body?” she asked. “The most horrible thing about Lord Randolph was that my body responded. I wanted him to be a vile rapist, but he was damnably clever.” Tears suddenly stung, and she glared up at him. “You are not to be swayed by my tears. Never. You understand!”

  “Of course not,” he said dryly, and brushed a tear off her cheek. “It’s not the same, Diana. My body and heart want you. Only my cursed will reminds me of other things. You understand, don’t you?”

  She rested against his chest, his erection hard between them. “Yes, I understand. This has to be complete, body, heart, and mind or it will destroy us both. But tomorrow we face the king, and the consequence of this mess. Can we not at least have now, imperfect as it is?”

  “It would be another burden on the moon.” He took her hand and led her to the bed. When he’d pulled down the covers, he climbed in and said, “Join me.”

  She did, and he drew her into his arms, and for her, at least, it was as if the bleeding halves joined, taking away all pain and sorrow. They lay like that for long blessed moments, then kissed, their kiss, and the world was lost.

  There was skill in his careful touch, but she didn’t want care or skill. She rolled on top of him, straddling his thighs. “This is my time. The time of the full moon.”

  Eyes on his, she seized the vial of oil from the table by the bed. “Flee, Hecate, queen of the dark,” she said, pouring a thin stream onto his chest, “and surrender this poor mortal to Diana, and the light.”

  She put the vial aside and massaged him, praying for courage to follow lessons from her books. Praying the lessons were right and would drive him out of his controlling mind.

  She massaged the oil into his chest, watching his lids flutter shut, either in relaxed surrender, or in a desperate attempt to hide his reactions. Then she worked lower and lower, dizzying herself with the feel of warm skin over powerful contours of muscle.

  Excitement and nervousness built, and part of her wanted to retreat, to accept whatever he was willing to expertly give. She made herself follow her plan, however, and slid her hands at last around his hot, hard erection.

  A shudder ran through him, sending a sense of power into her.

  “I love you,” she said, and slid one hand up, then the other, loving the hard and soft feel of him, but only too aware that she didn’t really know what she was doing.

  “You can play teacher, if you want,” she whispered. “I’ve never done this before.”

  “Heaven save me if you learn more.” His chest moved as he sucked in deep breaths and between her thighs, his legs tensed.

  “No Socratic method?” she teased, and with a prayer to goddesses everywhere, she lowered her head to touch her tongue to the tip, to swirl around it.

  He choked out a sound, and it didn’t seem to be pain.

  “You will come inside me?” she asked.

  “Or?” His voice was hoarse.

  “Or I will do my best to drive you mad.”

  She looked down, and suddenly any trace of reluctance fled. She longed to taste him, and put her mouth over and sucked.

  “Behold a lunatic!” He surged up and seized her, and she was flat on her back, him deep inside before she caught breath.

  With a happy laugh, she wrapped her legs tight around him as he drove in and out. She did nothing more but surrender and let him purge the last tawdry remnant of Lord Randolph’s pathetic assault.

  She had to think, when she could think again, to decide whether he was still inside. When she realized he was, she hugged him and said, “Thank you.”

  He still lay over her, heavy but welcome, and she ran her fingers through his hair.

  “I will never let you go,” she said, rubbing her cheek against his head, “so you might as well surrender to the lunatic moon. Or I’ll just have to seduce you every full moon for the rest of our lives.”

  “The full moon,” he said almost sleepily, “is tomorrow.”

  “Is that an invitation?”

  He didn’t reply, and she realized he was asleep. Despite his weight pinning her, she smiled through tears of love and joy.

  Surrender at last.

  Chapter 30

  She woke as if from a dream to bright sunshine shafting through a slit in drawn curtains.

  Alone.

  Bolting upright, she saw nothing to suggest the night. No oil, certainly no lover. Even the pillow he would have used was smooth.

  Had she dreamed it? No. Traces of oil remained on the sheets, in stains and sensual perfume. He’d been here. He, the essence of him, had come within touch of her questing fingertips.

  More than that. For a short time he had been hers, mind, body, and soul.

  But now he was gone, and his careful obliteration of his presence filled her with despair. The final battle had not been won because it wasn’t a matter of will, after all. That could be changed by a stronger will.

  For him, it was a matter of the soul.

  What, save God, could help with that?

  Muddled last night, she’d assumed she was in his bedroom, but of course she wasn’t. This room, though grand, held no personal items. Anyway, he wouldn’t take her there and risk her reputation. Not the omnipotent, omniscient, infinitely controlled Marquess of Rothgar. She beat her hands on the bed. Damn him. Damn him. Damn him!

  Then she sank her head in her hands. She had to face the day as well. The king. Society. Him.

  Oh God, oh God. They could end this day forced into marriage to save her reputation. If he’d retreated behind the walls again they’d be in a worse state than when they’d begun.

  She struggled out of bed and splashed her face with the cold water in the bowl. What was known? What would be said? What would the king’s reaction be to this scandal?

  Would the king see her as the innocent victim, or as a cause of trouble? She knew Bey would have come up with some clever explanation of the rescue, and for bringing her back here, but what could explain her slipping out of the house in response to a note from a man?

  Turning back to the bed, she saw a bloodstain, and burst into wild laughter. At last her courses had begun, but now it might make people think she’d lost her virginity here!

  A knock on the door. Diana spun to face it, but only Clara came in, wide eyed and bearing a jug of hot water. “Oh, milady, I’m so glad you’re all right! I didn’t know what to do, and that’s the truth. I kept quiet, but I was so worried!”

  The big jug tilted, and Diana rescued it. “It’s all right, Clara. You did the right thing.” So, Clara hadn’t raised the alarm. That might help. “What happened?”

  “I couldn’t sleep a wink, of course. And then at first light that Madam Swellenborg came to say you’d been kidnapped, and rescued by the marquess, and I was to pack up your things to move here.” She’d begun to stare at Diana, however. “Is … is that a shirt, milady?”

  Diana looked down and felt her face burn. “My dress was ruined,” she
said, adding as coolly as possible, “I have my clothes here, then?”

  Had she been tossed out of the Queen’s House in disgrace?

  Clara’s mouth snapped shut. “Yes, milady. What gown do you want to wear, milady?”

  Sackcloth and ashes? “Oh, I don’t care.” Diana turned toward a mirror, reluctant to see what she looked like.

  Lud, thank heavens only Clara had seen her like this. The rumpled shirt hung half off one shoulder, the long sleeves rolled roughly up. Her hair was tousled, her eyes, heavy, and she simply looked like a shameless wanton.

  “Choose something sober for me.” She tore off the garment, but then held it to herself for a moment, breathing in the blended aromas of sandalwood and sex. Then she tossed it on the bed and called, “Bring my pads, too, Clara. My bleeding’s started.”

  No child, she suddenly thought. She didn’t want one from this, but an ache shuddered deep inside because she could not be sure of the future. She ached for the children that might never be, for the father he might never be.

  No. She had come close to victory, and would not let it slip away. Even if she did have to seduce him every full moon for the rest of their lives!

  She washed herself then put on the things Clara brought her—the long pad of cloth, and the belt and binder that held it in place. At least she didn’t suffer at this time as some women did. She needed all her energy and strength to deal with the coming day.

  Clara brought a pale blue dress and all that was needed with it. “Will there still be the masquerade, milady, what with all this?”

  The masquerade! Tonight.

  It seemed an age since she’d tried on her Diana costume. Would the ball still take place? She didn’t know what she wanted.

  As she took the shift the maid passed to her and put it on, Diana asked, “What’s going on in the house? When did you get here?”

  “Not long after sunrise, milady,” Clara said, putting the stays over Diana’s head and beginning to lace them up down the back. Rather tightly. Clearly an attempt to restore propriety. “Don’t know if you know, milady, but you’re in the marchioness’s rooms. Not used for ages, of course.”